Fuck David Kleinfeld

My list of why 2009 was a great year.

1. My happy, healthy relationship with Melea. [And all the funny things we got to share with each other—
1. The chick with the giant ASS in my face and her massive boyfriend on 125th street over the summer. Lee kept watching my facial reactions to this giant thing. I didn’t want her ex con boyfriend to see my grimaces. Lee found it hilarious and so did I.
2. ASHLEYYY
3. Going to Florida with her; enjoying beach burgers and cocktails by the pool.
4. Helping her move and getting a shot of paint in my eye.
5. All the good food she made and all the fun times we had going out to eat.
6. That idiot at Red Lobster—“Are you here for a special occasion?” Yeah bitch. Who doesn’t come to the CoOp City red lobster on a Tuesday afternoon unless it’s a special occasion!
7. Lee telling me something I needed to hear when I needed to hear it. Your soul is priceless. Don’t think I’ll ever forget that.
8. Knowing right now that only listing 8 things will never be enough for this woman!!

2. My trip to India—
1. Listening to Cohen’s evidence lecture on my iphone while driving through the Himalayas. I’ll never forget how beautiful the foothills, the valleys, the peaks are.
2. Getting detained in Agra on Holi. I had a flight to catch and was stopped by Agra PD for riding on a motorcycle. I didn’t know what the hell was in store for me. It worked out and I was fine after the cop got his bribe.
3. Seeing grandma.
4. Eating Pizza Hut on my way to Delhi Airport to pick Erik up; yielding to a camel on the ride back; wondering if the driver was going to fall asleep and kill all of us; looking at an ad for Indian cologne called 8PM—after all, this night just got interesting.
5. Walking in tea fields outside of Kausani.
6. Going to Corbett Tiger Reserve. I saw a tiger sleeping by a lake about 20 yards away; saw a wild elephant—it had a look that said, you know I can kill you, right?
7. Getting Holi residue all over my body and having to explain why my hands were so red to Customs when I got home.

3. Queens DA—Gang Violence and Hate Crimes Bureau—
1. Going to the Hammels and taking pictures of a crime scene.
2. Going to Far Rockaway and taking pics of another crime scene.
3. Second seating a felony trial and being on the record for The People of the State of New York.
4. Oh yeah…April 9, 2009. The one day I will never forget.
5. Running in to Marlon, a friend of mine from HS facing 15 years for gun possession. He was a defendant, I was a law school intern. He said God bless when he found out.
6. Putting together the CLE powerpoint and watching it do well for an auditorium of prosecutors from all over the state. They loved the Chris Rock bit I put together.

4. Riker’s Island
1. Seeing a kid whose indictment I worked on at QDA in protective custody. Too surreal for words. This whole year was surreal.
2. Going to C-74 and watching a Warden and a CO or two genuinely care about fixing some juvelile offender’s lives. It changed mine.
3. Going to the Bing aka CPSU on OBCC—the worst jail on the Island for the worst offenders. And emerging unscathed.
4. Watching one inmate threaten another inmate—I got 15 years dog…you’re a bird…I’m a get you…
5. Enjoying slacking off with my fellow inmates—I mean interns at the DOC. What exactly did we do this summer again?!
6. Getting tanked with them on the last day. It was fun.

5. School
1. Grabbing a coffee with Gerry Shargel after class. I learned a lot. Namely, never let a man’s reputation intimidate you for anything. He tried his best to spin me but he couldn’t beat me. [This was re: April 9th btw].
2. Taking a seminar with Susan Herman, the President of the ACLU. A nice woman. It was nice to see what the other side is all about. It’s not that bad. People on the right need to give the ACLU a break.
3. Briefing every case for NYCP. Whoever wants my notes can have em!

6. The ongoing job search. Hopefully this will be resolved by this time next year!!

7. How to stay out of Jail—Remain Silent!! The best thing I ever wrote. And so well received!

8. Building a rapport with Prodigy’s wife and interviewing him for the third time. Dream come true now that I think about it. I should tell 1995 Chris what he has in store for him!

9. OB4CL2…is actually good!

10. Puffing a Cuban Cohiba and watching the sun set through the trees. Simple things, simple things.

AND THAT’S THAT! MY TOP 10 REASONS WHY THIS WAS A GREAT YEAR.

When I interviewed KRS-ONE about three years ago, I learned something pretty insightful about the way he creates his music. He just throws things out stream-of-consciousness style and catches what sticks. The man is a talented musician because he knows how to A) Throw relevant things out of his brain and B) Catch them and C) See if he can use them.

I taught a creative writing class last week at Newtown High School in Queens. I gave the classroom an exercise called "How to steal properly." I showed them a couple poems I wrote that I blatantly stole from the Bible and tweaked a bit to my advantage. I was a little worried that mixing religion into a public school would've gotten me in trouble but come on, I really don't care! My point was pretty simple: If you steal from good sources, your work will be good. [I actually stole that idea from Einstein--I practice what I preach!]

After I showed them that idea, I sensed the vibe of the classroom and ran with it. I made them all freewrite, KRS style, for about two minutes. I made them all read what they wrote. One kid wrote a freestyle. I was pretty good. I told him to come up with a hot 16 for round two. One girl was so damn shy she didn't read anything. I coaxed her to write anything for round two..anything! Another girl annoyed me and I threw her negativity back at her. The girl next to her, however, was pretty talented and I encouraged her to keep going. There were more students...one wrote some issues he had in his personal life relating to being Guyanese...another wrote a lusty poem to his girlfriend...I challenged him on round two to tweak his poem and make it to his mother instead; editors make ME change my work so I figured, why not give him a dose of reality. There was another pretty young thing who wrote about Nirvana and Beck and all this other 90's music. I was like, what year is this? I told her to keep at it. The girl next to her was there for the first time ever. She had a pretty nice quality to her work and I told her to continue...of all the students, she had the stream of consciousness thing down best. There were also two teachers. One is a friend of mine, the other is liker her assistant or something. They were both pretty good. A little on the sad side, but both good. . .

Which brings me to my point. A lot of what we prize in school as far as creative writing goes is sadness. I wonder why. The girl who I said was the most talented in the last paragraph, had a heartwearming story about how she misses her grandmother in the hospital. I liked it insofar that it let me be nosy into her life...I don't even remember her name but I know how sad not being able to visit her grandmother in the hospital made her feel. It's weird that I prize being able to be nosy but that's the way it is, at least, in school. I don't think anyone with a happy stream of consciousness would be in a writing class...so I guess that's why sadness is so revered?

I remember Hemingway saying something to the effect of, "Being a writer is a lonely world of isolation and despair." I don't know. He's right but I don't know. I remember each of the teachers who shared what they wrote. They were so damn pitiful...my friend talked about her light dimming...it used to shine and now it doesnt...the other teacher talked about her growing age and her confusion with her place in the world...and they were both good. Sad but good. I don't know. Maybe we need to prize joy more than pain.

My favorite one was the kid who wrote the hot 16. I asked him who his favorite rapper is. He said eminem. I told him he needs to put a cadence--a flow--to his lyrics. I gave him a homework assignment...to take one of Eminem's flows and apply it to those lyrics...I said that I've never heard a non-caucasian emulate Eminem's flow...I hope he listened to what I told him.